HETALIA MANUALS
by Linkforever125
Summary: This is a collection of 0ptimuspenguin's manuals (with her permission), as well as manuals written by myself. Please go to 0ptimuspenguin's page to learn about writing your own manual fic. I only own the manuals that are written by me. More details inside.
1. Chapter 1: Russia

**AN: Hey guys! I have here for you Ivan's User Guide and Manual! Now, before you freak out and call me a thief, read this:**

**This manual, as well as the manuals coming next (until I say otherwise) all belong to _est. 1995 _(formerly_ LolliDictator). _The writing style belongs to _Theresa Green; _the manuals themselves belong to _est. 1995._**

**As you all know, _est. 1995 _is no longer active in the Hetalia fandom, so I asked for permission to continue the manual legacy and adopt her old ones so they are all in the same place. Permission was granted and now I will be uploading her manuals as well as making my own. If you have any questions about the manuals made by _est. 1995, _please PM her, not me, for they are her manuals.**

**I will be making my own manuals, but not until I have all of _est. 1995's _posted. Thanks for reading this ridiculously long Author's Note!**

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**Ivan Braginski: User Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS! **You have just purchased your very own IVAN BRAGINSKI unit. This manual was written in order to allow you, the owner, to unlock your unit's full potentials, and it is advised that you read this before trying anything. Mistreatment of the IVAN BRAGINSKI unit can (and, in most cases, will) prove extremely lethal.

**Technical Specifications: **

Name: Ivan Braginski. Will respond to "Russia", "Russian Federation", "Soviet Russia", "Soviet Union", "Stalin's bitch", "Muscovy", "Vanya", "Braginski", "Brat", and "Brother" (though a bit hesitantly to the last two, and angrily to anything pertaining to the USSR.)

Age: N/A

Place of Manufacture: Moscow, Russia

Height: 6'2"

Weight: 200 lbs

Length: (unavailable in this manual, as the creators of the IVAN BRAGINSKI unit feared for their lives)

**Your IVAN BRAGINSKI unit comes with the following: **

One (1) long beige Red Army overcoat

One (1) long white scarf

One (1) Imperial Russia uniform

One (1) water faucet pipe

One (1) Hello Kitty costume

Five (5) bottles of Stolichnaya vodka

**Programming**

Your IVAN BRAGINSKI unit comes equipped with the following traits:

Bodyguard: The IVAN BRAGINSKI unit can easily protect you from any threat, but getting him to believe that you are _worth _protecting is a hard task. If you can manage, he will prove to be the best bodyguard money can buy.

Drinker: Need to win some cash? It's easy, if you have an IVAN BRAGINSKI unit! Take him to the nearest bar and start a drinking game, and with your unit's stomach of steel, you are guaranteed to rake in big cash!

Athlete: If you like sports, then this feature is for you. This unit is great at nearly every sport, with his best three being football (or soccer), ice hockey, and tennis; playing him at any game is guaranteed enjoyable, but if he is not in a playful mood then it might be hazardous to your health.

**Removal of your IVAN BRAGINSKI Unit from Packaging**

This may prove to be an extremely difficult task if your IVAN BRAGINSKI unit is moved incorrectly, or awakened in the wrong manner. For your safety, we have provided a list of safe ways in which to wake your unit:

1. Stand next to the box and yell, "Brother!" at the top of your lungs. You will hear sobbing from the box, and you can now unlock and unchain it and open it to let a frightened IVAN BRAGINSKI out. He will react warmly once he realizes that you are not a NATALIYA ARLOVSKAYA unit.

2. Undo the chains on the box and stand very far away, preferably at a distance from which you have to use a microphone in order to shout, "The _American_ Armstrong walked on the moon!" You can also yell, "I'm AWESOME!" Both actions will make your IVAN BRAGINSKI unit hostile, though the second phrase might make your unit a bit horny; consequently, he may go off in search of a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit before you can reprogram him.

3. Cook Chinese food, preferably a food with a strong odor, and leave a plate of it next to the box before standing far away. Be warned, the lid may fly off and hit you if you are too close. This will make your IVAN BRAGINSKI unit leave in search of a YAO WANG unit unless you reprogram him quickly enough.

4. Play the Lithuanian, Estonian, or Latvian national anthems and stand far away, preferably behind a barrier of some sort. This will make your unit violent and he will go to find a TORIS LORINAITIS unit unless you reprogram him quickly enough.

5. If you think you can manage, then just open the lid of the box and reprogram him directly. Be warned, because the IVAN BRAGINSKI unit is notorious for waking up in the middle of reprogramming, and if he does he will immediately turn hostile.

**Reprogramming**

After successfully getting your IVAN BRAGINSKI out of his box/calm again, you can reprogram him from his normal _Childish _form if you so choose.

_Childish (default)_

_Creepy (default)_

_Sadistic_

_Insane_

_Afraid_

_Out of Character (locked)_

The IVAN BRAGINSKI unit comes in his _Childish _mode, as stated, and his _Creepy _mode is an add-on to his lovable normal personality. If your unit either randomly spews about "becoming one with him" or chants a strange "kol"-like sound, don't be alarmed: this is proof of him being in his normal mood.

His _Sadistic_ mode is a bit more troublesome, however. This can be obtained by simply stating that you prefer beer - especially American beer - over vodka. He will not go on a rampage towards your neighbors, but he will forever onwards be childishly cruel towards you and any other units that he has relationships with.

The_ Insane _mode can be used by offhandedly mentioning your neighbor's TORIS LORINAITIS unit being in love with your other neighbor's FELIKS ŁUKASIEWICZ unit, or something along those lines.

Finding a NATALIYA ARLOVSKAYA unit and telling her that your IVAN BRAGINSKI has just gone to his bedroom will unlock his _Afraid _mode easily enough. He will be too afraid to step outside, and will become withdrawn.

The locked mode, _Out of Character_, is unadvisable, but can be gained through various methods. You could set up a camera in the bedroom of a nearby YAO WANG, GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT, or any other unit of your choice, and show your IVAN BRAGINSKI the recordings; you could also send him to an AA meeting and, after a few weeks of withdrawal symptoms, he will be extremely loving and kind. If you're feeling particularly adventurous, you could even tie him up in his sleep: when he wakes, he'll see you as a master of sorts. This unit, however, is known to spontaneously burst into his _Sadistic_ or _Insane _modes even if you have programmed him to his Out of Character, so be warned when attempting to dominate him.

**Relationships with Other Units: **

ALFRED F. JONES: These two have a long history and tend to shoot off random insults at each other when sober. They make great drinking buddies, though, as alcohol always helps to soothe those post-war feelings.

YAO WANG: Your IVAN BRAGINSKI unit may decide that he wants this unit, and it is not uncommon for your unit to vanish and stalk a YAO WANG unit in his Hello Kitty costume. By default, YAO WANG will constantly reject the IVAN BRAGINSKI unit, however, and you might return home one day to find your unit knocking back bottles of vodka.

GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT: While the GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit hates your unit with a passion, IVAN BRAGINSKI quite likes him. If in _Sadistic_, your unit will go to find a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT. If in _Insane_, there is a 60% chance that your unit will go find a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT. Actually, there's a 50% chance that even in his normal modes, IVAN BRAGINSKI will go find a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT. We, the creators of this manual, are not responsible for any claims filed against you by the angry owner of your unit's targeted GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT.

TORIS LORINAITIS: If in his_ Insane _mode, your unit might go and search for a TORIS LORINAITIS in order to find a sort of peace. TORIS LORINAITIS is more or less your unit's trauma sponge, but he's the type of trauma sponge that you hurl at the ground and stomp on. Again, we, the creators of this manual, are not responsible for any claims filed against you because of your unit's actions.

YEKATERINA CHERNENKO: The older sister of your IVAN BRAGINSKI, this unit will most likely avoid your unit. There's no reason to worry about her unless she is in her locked _Meltdown_ mode.

NATALIYA ARLOVSKAYA: The younger sister of your IVAN BRAGINSKI, she might push your unit into the _Afraid _mode if you leave him around her for too long. Be warned that if she sees your unit then she will follow you home and stalk your IVAN BRAGINSKI.

**Cleaning**

Your IVAN BRAGINSKI unit can take care of himself. Reject any of his requests to bathe with you; he will most likely hold your head underwater and say he was shampooing your hair.

**Feeding**

Your unit enjoys Russian cuisine, but he will also eat various other foods. He will not touch hamburgers, however, or beer unless he is playing a drinking game.

**Rest**

This unit sleeps whenever he feels like sleeping. It is not advised to try and wake him up; he will get up as he pleases. You might awaken to find that he has vanished, in which case you don't need to worry because he is probably just off stalking a YAO WANG unit or hiding from the NATALIYA ARLOVSKAYA unit that is stalking _him_.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: My IVAN BRAGINSKI unit is threatening to kill me! What should I do?

A: Well, this is one of the risks of buying this unit. However, you can just smile and give him vodka, and he will be happy as a clam again.

Q: The water pipe I was sent broke, and now my unit is ripping apart my sinks searching for a new one. How can I stop him from destroying my house?

A: The best response is to tell him that vodka is better than water pipes, and give him enough to last you a trip to the store to find a pipe identical to the one we sent you.

Q: My unit's scarf got dirty with something that looks suspiciously like blood, but that doesn't matter as much as him rampaging all over the place!

A: Wait for him to sleep, then take the scarf carefully and wash it. If he's so angry that he doesn't sleep, give him vodka and then take the scarf.

You'll find that most of your unit's problems can be solved with a bottle (or ten) of strong vodka. Stolichnaya or other Russian brands are recommended.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: Your IVAN BRAGINSKI shed his Red Army outfit in exchange for the Imperial Russia style, and now he does nothing but sit quietly and mope. Occasionally he curses at you in Russian and threatens to kill you for being so useless.

Solution: Congratulations! You've managed to unlock his_ Reminiscent_ mode. In this mode, attempting to speak to him will land you a glare and him chanting his trademark "kolkolkol" under his breath; the way to get him out of this is to call a TORIS LORINAITIS over and have him do the hard work. We are not responsible for any damage done to the TORIS LORINAITIS unit.

Problem: Instead of a tall, full-grown Russian male, you received a toddler wearing an overcoat and a dark-colored ushanka.

Solution: We mixed up the order and sent you a little!Russia. This version of the IVAN BRAGINSKI unit is cute, cuddly, and will not kill you as soon as you make him mad. He is rather trembly, though, and hates the cold; giving him sunflowers, or painting his bedroom yellow, will make him adore you. Little!Russia is much more tolerated by the YAO WANG unit, more liked by the TORIS LORINAITIS and ALFRED F. JONES units, but bullied by GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT. If you would prefer a fully grown IVAN BRAGINSKI, then you can call Customer Services and we will take back the Little!Russia. Please get him in the box before growing too attached, though.

**End Notes**

With proper care and treatment of your unit, IVAN BRAGINSKI will become a great companion. There is a lifetime warranty on him, so if there are any problems that Customer Services cannot help you with, send him back and tell us what went wrong. Good luck!

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**AN: Please go to _est. 1995's _page to learn about writing your own manual fic. Thanks for reading!**

**Mei-Ling out. Peace! :3**


	2. Chapter 2: Korea

**AN: Another manual by _est. 1995. _Includes her original author notes at the end of the chapter. Happy reading!**

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**YONG-SOO IM: User Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS!** For some reason, you have just purchased your very own YONG-SOO IM unit! This manual was made in order for you, the owner, to understand how to extract the very best of your unit. And believe us, you will need this manual.

**Technical Specifications:**

Name: Yong-Soo Im/Im Yong-Soo. Will respond to "South Korea", "North Korea", "Korea", "Older Brother", "Yong-soo-oppa", "Yong-soo-hyung", and indirectly to "Pedophile"; if in _Nationalist_ mode, (s)he will reply to "Hwa-Jeong", "Sister", "North Korea", and "Bitch".

Age: 18

Place of Manufacture: Seoul, Korea

Height: 5'8"

Weight: 135 lbs

Length: Longer than you'd expect

**Your YONG-SOO IM unit comes with the following:**

One (1) navy blue and white hanbok

One (1) art notepad

One (1) CD recording of "Arirang"*

Three (3) Korean drama DVDs

Four (4) jars of kimchi*

**Programming**

Your YONG-SOO IM unit is equipped with the following traits:

Male Model: Want to show off your unit to the world, or just in need of some cash? Well, send your YONG-SOO IM unit the nearest modeling agency, and watch him work magic!

Mangaka/Professional Art Teacher: Always wanted to learn how to draw? If you can sit through his lessons, we guarantee that you'll soon become the artist you always wished you could be!

Stalker: If you have a major crush on that cute boy next door, but he is terrified of you, never fear! Just send your unit after him, and you'll soon have all the photos you need.

Babysitter: He doesn't look it, but your unit is great with kids. Just don't leave them with him for too long; we are not responsible for any complaints filed by the parents of children he babysat.

Substitute Guardian: Trying to make a point to that ridiculous landlady, neighbor or teacher? Just sic your YONG-SOO IM unit on 'em, and watch your opponent run for their life!

**Removal of your YONG-SOO IM from Packaging**

This is actually a much harder task than you may think. If you wake your unit incorrectly, then you will never hear the end of it; if you move him before he is completely awake, then you might accidentally make him hate you. To avoid the aforementioned scenarios, we have provided a list of safe ways in which you can awaken your unit:

1. Stand next to the box, preferably prepared to block flying box lids, and say either, "Aru!" or, "Desu." Your YONG-SOO IM will manage to sidekick or palm the box lid off and get up, and you must immediately reprogram him lest he grope you in the belief that you are one of his brothers.

2. Take either the CD recording of "Arirang", or one of the provided drama DVDs, and play them loudly. If using the CD, you will hear humming and sometimes singing from the box, and it is safe to remove the top; if you play the dramas, then you will hear irritated grunting caused by your unit's annoyance at missing the drama. You can then remove the top as well, though he will probably jump up and shock you before running to the television or computer where the drama is playing.

3. Open a jar of the provided kimchi and set it on a plate. Use a fan or other such machine to waft the smell towards the box. You can also do this with a plate of boolnak jungol* or spiced jjol myun*. This route will make your YONG-SOO IM hungry and he will whine for food until you feed him.

4. Mispronounce Korean. Say, "Annyeonghaseyo!" as terribly as you can manage. This will result in a lengthy Korean pronunciation lesson from your unit, who will jump up violently when he hears you speak.

5. Open the box and poke your unit's curl. He will shudder and wake up, and he might be horny, so you probably want to watch out.

**Reprogramming**

Upon waking your YONG-SOO IM, or calming him down again, you will have the option to reprogram him from his normal modes.

_Happy-go-lucky (default)_

_Touchy (default)_

_Drunk_

_Whiny_

_Horny_

_Dramatic (locked)_

_Nationalist (locked)_

The YONG-SOO IM comes in his default _Happy-go-lucky _mode, which unfortunately has _Touchy _as an add on. He will try to grope you at every living moment, and whether you are a girl with large breasts or a flat-chested boy, you'll want to watch out: staff warns us that it is extremely hard to get your YONG-SOO IM off once he has latched on to your (possibly non-existent) breasts. If he suddenly yells, "Your breasts belong to me!" then do not be alarmed; this is a sign of his default modes. He is also known to finish his sentences with, "Da-ze!"

The _Drunk_ mode is simple to gain: keep him drunk, and you will have a blast. YONG-SOO IM is a hard drinker, and he has a very high alcohol metabolism and a taste for drinking games. Big Liar* is a very fun game to play with him, and he is guaranteed to make any parties of yours enjoyable. Be careful, though: he is underage in the United States and some other countries, so don't get caught. We, the creators of this unit, are not responsible for any claims filed against you, for whatever reason.

The _Whiny_ mode is also simple. If you ignore him for about twenty minutes, or just forget to make dinner or go grocery shopping, then your YONG-SOO IM will start whining and exaggerating about how you starve him. He might disappear for a while, probably to bother a KIKU HONDA or a YAO WANG for food. He will return in an hour or so.

The _Horny_ mode can be accessed by letting him grope you, or suggesting it. It's very simple.

The _Dramatic _mode is locked as well, and is unadvised because your unit will do nothing but sit in the corner and sigh. To get him into it is by showing him a set of binoculars; to get him out of it is by making him any sort of Korean cuisine.

Finally, his _Nationalist_ mode entails quite a bit of history: since there is only one embodiment of Korea, YONG-SOO IM's mind is split into the dreams and ideals of both North and South, causing his schizophrenia. Therefore, _Nationalist_ is basically the North Korean part of your unit's mind. In this mode, he will refer to himself as female and Hwa-Jeong Im. (Referring to your unit as anything apart from the okay-ed nicknames listed under TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS will get you killed. Painfully. With chopsticks.) While in this mode, your unit will be extremely violent, prone to fits, and extremely charismatic; she will ask for IVAN BRAGINSKI's company, and will get along with him swimmingly. It is not uncommon for her to sit down and write frantically in Korean, all the while grinning brokenly and mumbling about a "secure" life and weeding out any impurities. _Nationalist_ is unlocked by either showing your unit one too many war documentaries, letting him play too many violent games, or neglecting him over a period of a week. He can be reverted to his normal mode by cooking him yakgwa*.

**Relationships with Other Units**

YAO WANG: Your unit has a long history with YAO WANG, leading back to YONG-SOO IM's childhood. When hungry or tired, your unit is known to go off in search of a YAO WANG unit, and when he's happy he often speaks about the days when he would grope his "older brother" or how much fun they had.

KIKU HONDA: YONG-SOO IM appears to hate this unit, but KIKU HONDA likes him a bit and will sometimes try to fix their relations. Truthfully, YONG-SOO IM adores the other unit, but he'll never admit it.

IVAN BRAGINSKI: Geographically, these two share a border and so have known each other for years. They do not interact much, though if they do speak then they are very friendly. IVAN BRAGINSKI and a YONG-SOO IM in _Nationalist_ mode have a possible romance.

ALFRED F. JONES: Your unit likes him a fair bit for assistance in the Korean War, but isn't overly fond of him due to most ALFRED F. JONES units referring to YONG-SOO IM as a "FOB"*.

**Cleaning**

Your unit is fully capable of cleaning himself, though he does prefer bathing with others. There is no danger in bathing with him, though he might try and grope you.

**Feeding**

YONG-SOO IM is lazy, and hence prefers for others to cook him food. He can survive off kimchi and rice, though he will hate you if that is all you feed him. It is advised to occasionally make him sweets, or give him foreign foods.

**Rest**

Your unit loves to sleep, but he also loves to party. It is up to you how long you will have him rest, because he will generally listen to you.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: My YONG-SOO IM unit is killing my computer! How can I stop this?

A: He is probably searching through the internet for more dramas to watch, and downloading from insecure sites. We suggest putting a long password on your computer and monitoring his time on it.

Q: My YONG-SOO IM lost his hanbok, and now he's refusing to wear anything!

A: The Korean spirit in your unit makes him want to always wear hanbok. You can call Customer Services and request a new hanbok, or purchase one from another store. You can make him one as well, if you have the talent.

Q: My unit flushes if I accidentally touch his curl. Why?

A: His curl is his erogenous zone. Touching it will make him break down and probably try and rape you; if he fails, he will run off in search of a YAO WANG or KIKU HONDA.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: The YONG-SOO IM you received is tiny. Other than that, he's exactly the way he should be.

Solution: We've sent you a LITTLE!KOREA on accident. He is really no different than the normal YONG-SOO IM unit, but he just poses less risk of accidental law-breaking. If you don't want him, call Customer Services and we'll sort it out.

**End Notes**

With the proper treatment and enough kimchi, your YONG-SOO IM unit will be a valuable companion. We hope you enjoy your time with him, and good luck!

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**AN: _Est. 1995's _original author note and references:**

**References**  
*Arirang - arguably, the most known Korean folk song.  
*Kimchi - a wonderfully yummy Korean food. It's like thin strips of cabbage and bean sprout soaked in this yummy spicy sauce, and it's great with Korean BBQ.  
*Substitute Guardian - a joke on the fact that I've very rarely won an argument against a pure Korean. And I win against almost anyone else. But seriously, you don't wanna argue with a Korean, because they'll just overkill your dignity. :(  
*Boolnak jungol - this kind of Korean food I've never tasted, but which looks ridiculously good. It's like octopus and noodle and YUMLOOKING.  
*Jjol myun - this yummy stuff. It's like basically a less-spicy version of the sauce from kimchi, with these rice noodles soaked in it and served hot, unlike the chilled kimchi. It's goooooood.  
*Big Liar - a very fun (drinking) game that I, being underage, play with Coke. It's like...you have a few bottles of alcohol, and then you have someone tell two stories: one's true, one's false. Then everyone else chooses a story, and if they chose the false one then they have to drink a penalty glass of alcohol. With Coke, you do the same thing, except that you can't go to the bathroom until you've drained a few liters - so like, you practically die from an overfull bladder.  
*FOB - "Fresh off the Boat", the term for foreigners who 1) don't speak English, 2) speak bad English, 3) speak their own language when in packs at like, public places, 4) have thick accents. In the States, practically every foreigner is called a FOB if they can't speak proper English.  
*Yakgwa - it's like a Korean sweet that supposedly tastes like gingersnap cookies. I dunno, I've never had.

**AN: I hope you enjoyed! Next manual coming soon.**


	3. Chapter 3: Prussia

**AN: ...Prussia is awesome.**

**BTW, this manual belongs to _est. 1995. _Go bug her about manual fics, not me. **

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**GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT: User Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS! **You have just purchased your very own GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit! This manual was created in order to allow you, the owner, to unlock your unit's full potentials, and it is advised that you read this pamphlet thoroughly before attempting to operate your GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit, as mistreatment may result in an infuriated unit and aching body parts.

**Technical Specifications: **

Name: Gilbert Beilschmidt. Will respond to "Prussia", "East Germany", "East", "Your Awesomeness", "Gil", "Bruder", "Beilschmidt", and angrily to "Kaliningrad".

Age: 20

Place of Manufacture: Berlin, Germany

Height: 5'9"

Weight: 140 lbs

Length: Awesome.

**GENBEN Specifications**

_Your unit is one of two units who have an opposite-sex counterpart._

Name: Julchen Beilschmidt. Will respond to "Prussia", "East Germany", "East", "Your Royal Awesomeness", "Mutter", "Schwester", "Beilschmidt", and angrier to "Kaliningrad" than the normal GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit.

Age: 20

Place of Manufacture: Berlin, Germany

Height: 5'7"

Weight: 120 lbs

Size: 34C

This version of your unit has long platinum hair that she tends to do in outrageous styles.

**Your GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit comes with the following:**

One (1) navy blue Luftwaffe SS uniform. Please note that JULCHEN BEILSCHMIDT's uniform is black and tailored to fit her.

One (1) Knights Cross of the Iron Cross

One (1) Teutonic Knight outfit

One (1) Gilbird unit

Five (5) blank journals

**Programming**

Your GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit is equipped with the following traits:

Journalist: Your unit is quite a writer, and you can put this to use by getting him a job at the nearby newspaper or magazine studio. The editorials he writes will be great, but highly biased, so be warned before you take him to a studio.

Drinker: GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT has an amazing tolerance for alcohol, especially beer. He despises vodka, and will never drink it, but you can have your unit play in all sorts of drinking games that he will win every time! But a warning - the GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT tends to strip when she's drunk.

Model: Need some cash? Wanted a hotter star in those adult movies you love? Just send your unit to a modeling agency or movie audition, and he will immediately become popular. And with his natural exhibitionist nature, he will be right at home with this job! The GENBEN version of your unit has just the same personality, and will work just as well with this occupation.

Bandmate: Always wanted to be famous? Well, just have your unit play drums in your band and you'll soon find yourself the new craze! Just...don't let him sing.

**Removal of your GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT from Packaging**

Due to your unit's volatile, rash nature, removing your unit from his box may prove to be quite the challenge. For your safety, we have provided a list of ways in which to wake him up, as improperly waking him will result in agony for you and all nearby.

1. Stand next to the box and pour beer on the lid. Your unit will claw his way out and harass you for some beer, and we advise you give it to him if you value your house. After getting his alcohol, he will be very friendly to you.

2. Set a plate of Austrian apple strudel next to the box, or play piano as well as you can. Your unit will get out carefully, probably in the belief that you are a RODERICH EDELSTEIN unit, and will try to ninja-jump you; reprogram him fast enough and he will not try to rape you.

3. Stand next to the box and say anything in Russian, preferably with the best accent you can manage. Your GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit will tremble hard enough for the box to shake, and then you can open it and he will cry with joy at the fact that you are not an IVAN BRAGINSKI unit; he will also be very submissive to anything you want. If you would like a defiant unit, stand far, far away - preferably at a distance from which you need a microphone - and call your unit by 'Kaliningrad'. The box lid will fly off and your unit will go into a rage, searching for an IVAN BRAGINSKI; reprogram him quickly to avoid major damage to your house.

4. Activate his Gilbird unit. This will automatically awaken your unit and he will chase Gilbird down.

**Reprogramming**

After successfully awakening or calming down your unit, you can decide to change his settings from the default _AWESOME_ mode into any of the following, if you so choose.

All of the modes have slight adjustments for the GENBEN version of GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT.

_AWESOME (default)_

_Vital-Region Seizing (default)_

_Depressed_

_Horny_

_Frightened (locked)_

_Domesticated (locked)_

The GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit does indeed come in his _AWESOME_ mode, which basically entails him calling himself amazing and great. He also says often that he is "five metres", which you can take figuratively, or rip his clothes off and find out literally. We won't spoil it in this guide. GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT asks if you want to touch her breasts.

His _Vital-Region Seizing _mode is also a default, and this is signified by him constantly grabbing for your crotch, if you are a boy, or your breasts, if you are a girl. Sometimes he will go for the opposite of what he should, or for both; and sometimes if you have a really nice butt, he'll go for that. It is advisable to refuse if he gropes you and asks if you would like to see his five-metres, even though that might sound a terrible idea now; the same applies for GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT asking if you'd like to touch her chest.

The _Depressed_ mode is utilized simply by either telling him about your boyfriend, or talking about how cute your neighbor's RODERICH EDELSTEIN unit looks with your landlady's ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY unit; he will sit quietly in the corner and cry in most cases, while denying that he is lonely, or he might sob openly and run off to bother a nearby LUDWIG KALTHERZIG unit.

GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT's _Horny _mode is found by agreeing to his asking if you want to see his five-metres/touch her breasts, by dressing provocatively or incompletely, or by showing him porn. You could always triple-whammy him and do all three; remember that he is, technically, a legal adult, before you do anything. We, the makers of this manual, hereby give all claim to the owner and will not be blamed for whatever havoc is wreaked by your unit.

The _Frightened _mode is locked, and for a good reason. After getting GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT into it, it is extremely hard to get him out. He can be put into a light, watered-down version of this mode by a raging ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY, or he can be forcibly knocked into it by being in close proximity for longer than twenty seconds, on his own with a single IVAN BRAGINSKI unit. To get him out of _Frightened_, you will have to either leave him with a RODERICH EDELSTEIN, MATTHEW WILLIAMS or LUDWIG KALTHERZIG unit for a few days or weeks; call an ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY over (she will mock him enough that he will force himself out of the mode, after a while, though she might be kind to him too); or take the simple way out and put him under a heavy, one month or longer group therapy for rape and abuse victims.

The _Domestic _mode is also locked, but is not as hard to get your unit out of as Frightened is. This unit is accessed by putting an ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY unit into her _Transvestite _mode, or finding a GENBEN version of her and leaving him/her around your GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT for a few hours; sending him to live with a _WWII_-mode MATTHEW WILLIAMS for two weeks; or finding an _Out of Character _IVAN BRAGINSKI unit and having your unit live with him. In this mode, your unit might ask you to go buy him maid dresses and aprons, or lacy lingerie if you have a GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT, and he will be extremely kind and mother like; he is, however, just as raunchy as normal, so be warned if you are putting him in this mode. Getting him out of this mode is simple: just remind the normal version that "only women should be in the kitchen", and tell the GENBEN version, as soon as she steps out of the kitchen, to "get back in there and make [me] a sandwich". The GENBEN version is known to bitch-slap her owner after being told that; we, the makers, hereby give all claim of this unit to the owner and will not be held responsible for any actions done by this unit.

**Relationships with Other Units**

RODERICH EDELSTEIN: He and GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT have a relationship that some see as hatred and others, mainly yaoi-shipping girls, see as unresolved sexual tension. This romance is not available for GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT units, sadly, as the only female unit for RODERICH EDELSTEIN is ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY. As either gender, your unit enjoys the company of RODERICH EDELSTEIN, interestingly enough, and will go off and bug him periodically.

ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY: GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT and she have a long past, based from when the female unit believed herself to be male. Now, GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT mocks her for it, but if you order the GENBEN versions of these units then they will gravitate towards each other and most likely end up in a relationship.

IVAN BRAGINSKI: When you receive him, your unit has nothing but animosity for IVAN BRAGINSKI. With some coaxing, this hate can - like with the RODERICH EDELSTEIN unit - turn into love. Or something close to love, anyway. Unfortunately for GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT, this love is more BDSM-centered than any other pairing you can make with the IVAN BRAGINSKI unit, and quite possibly with any of the units we offer. With GENBEN, your unit will hate the IVAN BRAGINSKI unit just as much, but there is a slightly less chance of romance as with a male GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT, as the GENBEN version's first choice is GENBEN ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY.

LUDWIG KALTHERZIG: Your unit is the older sibling of the LUDWIG KALTHERZIG unit, despite the last names, and hence feels compelled to take care of him. That, of course, entails buying him beer and porn, and taking him to strip clubs every few weeks. The GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT has no shame and tends to walk around either naked or in a bra and underwear, and the LUDWIG KALTHERZIG unit is used to it and will not respond; if he is, however, in his _Defeated _mode, then GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT will often corner him. It is not advised to leave a _Horny _GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT, or even a normal GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT, around LUDWIG KALTHERZIG. Ever.

GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT: Your unit is one of the few who can actually love himself to the extent of starting a relationship. It might consist of two GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT units, two GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT units, or one GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT and one GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit. It might also be the same (GENBEN) GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit and his/her hand.

**Cleaning**

GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT is capable of cleaning himself, and we advise that you avoid bathing with him if you don't want to be raped in the bath. The GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT is just as bad.

**Feeding**

Your GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT can feed himself, but we suggest getting him apple strudel a few times a month and keeping your fridge stocked with beer.

**Rest**

Both GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT and GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT are lazy as hell, and will sleep whenever they feel like sleeping or are too drunk to continue wandering the world of the conscious.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: Gilbird has vanished, and now my GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT has, too! What should I do?

A: Wait for your unit to return. He will not come back until he has found his bird unit.

Q: My GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit hates keeping her clothes on. She just pulls them off in public and walks around naked. How can I make her stop?

A: Get her a job in the porn industry, or find her a boyfriend/girlfriend/good dildo.

Q: GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT is giving me hell because he lost his iron cross.

A: Buy a new one from Customer Support, or tell him to get off his lazy ass and find it. He will respect you more for responding that way to him.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: Instead of a boisterous, arrogant (GENBEN) GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT, you received a meek and submissive male who just stares at you with empty eyes and does anything you want. He also refuses beer, asking instead for vodka, and refuses to eat anything but Slavic foods.

Answer: Whoops, we sent you a KALININGRAD unit on accident. This unit is male and has been beaten, raped, and or drugged into submission by IVAN BRAGINSKI over the course of nearly thirty years. He is also very easy to corner, as he will do nothing no matter how badly you hurt him; he is also a great cook, and is much friendlier around TORIS LORINAITIS, RAIVIS GALANTE and EDUARD VON BOCK then he is normally. Since you probably don't want such a meek unit, you can call Customer Services for an exchange.

Problem: Your unit spends too much time cooped up in his room on the computer, or writing in those journals.

Answer: Your unit has gotten back into his love of blogging and/or chronicling his life. Let it happen; eventually he'll get bored and tell you to make you a sandwich and then, when he comes to eat, you can take the computer and/or notebooks away and everything will go back to normal...at least, until he realizes that the computer is gone, but that won't be for a few weeks.

**End Notes**

With the proper care and treatment, you can find a valuable companion in (GENBEN) GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT. We wish you good luck with your unit, because you're going to need it.

* * *

**AN: Headcanon belongs to _est. 1995 _as well. Don't ask me; I have no idea why she changed it. **

**Mei-Ling out. Peace! :3**


	4. Chapter 4: England

**AN: This manual belongs to _est. 1995 _hurr durr.**

* * *

**ARTHUR KIRKLAND: User Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS! **You have just purchased your very own ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit. This manual was written in order to ensure that you, the owner, can unlock your unit's full potential as a guardian, boyfriend, and/or pirate.

**Technical Specifications: **

Name: Arthur Kirkland. Will respond to "England", "United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland", "UK", rather happily to "Brother", rather irritantly to "Iggy", and rather angrily to "Rosbif" or other French endearments.

Age: 23

Place of Manufacture: London, England

Height: 5'9"

Weight: 130 lbs

Length: Magical.

**Your ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit comes with the following: **

One (1) green military uniform

One (1) casual green sweater vest

One (1) white toga

One (1) long black cloak

One (1) pair of ultra-tight black leather skinny jeans

One (1) electric guitar emblazoned with the Union Jack

Five (5) sticks of white chalk

**Programming**

Your ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit is equipped with the following traits:

Lead Guitarist/Singer: Ever felt that maybe your band could use a better guitarist? Well, the ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit is for you! We guarantee that with him in your group, you'll find yourself swarmed by fans everywhere you go. He can sing, too, so double him as lead singer and guitarist for maximum efficiency!

Waiter/Pole Dancer: Believe it or not, ARTHUR KIRKLAND is actually a hardcore waiter. He'll rake in tips, as business is the most important thing to him when he's at work, and for even more cash get him a job at a bar - or a strip club. He's quite the pole dancer.

Policeman: ARTHUR KIRKLAND has a love for the rules, and will prove it if you get him a job as a cop. Not to mention he looks dead sexy in the uniforms!

Exorcist: Your ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit has a talent for seeing things others generally wouldn't see - namely, spirits and fairies and other such creatures. Exorcists are in high demand, and your unit will love his job as one!

**Removal of your ARTHUR KIRKLAND Unit from Packaging**

Awakening your ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit is generally quite simple, but if he was jostled during shipment it could be harder. We have provided this list of failsafe ways to wake your unit, jostled or not, which will not result in you missing any body parts at the end. Your unit tends to make a lot more assumptions than he should, which might result in some terrifying moments while getting him up, but don't worry - he won't really hurt you, unless you're a FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit.

1. Set a plate of hamburgers next to the box, preferably with a fan to force the aroma towards the box with. Momentarily, your unit will shout at you to get the food out of his face before kicking his way out of the box unless you move the food within two seconds. It is advised to stand a few metres away to avoid being stabbed with bits of the box. Once he realizes that you are not an ALFRED F. JONES unit, he will apologize for his "ghastly behavior" and introduce himself, and you are free to reprogram him then.

2. Play either "Saving Grace" or "The Star-Spangled Banner" as loudly as you can. If you play the first song, your unit will hum or sing to it in his box and it is safe to remove the lid; if you play the second, your unit will shout at you to "turn that damn racket down" and again claw his way out of the box if you do not stop the music. Again, once he notes that you are not in fact an ALFRED F. JONES, he will apologize and be perfectly cordial towards you, allowing you to reprogram him.

3. Clink two glass alcohol bottles - preferably scotch or whiskey - together, in earshot of the box, but not too close lest you be hit by flying bits of wood as your unit scrambles for them. As soon as ARTHUR KIRKLAND has gotten out of the box, he will thank you for the alcohol and chug it; while he does so, you can reprogram him.

4. Cook an aromatic Spanish or French dish and set it down near the box. Your unit will laugh, start to punch his way through the box and ask in an evil tone whether you want to get your ass kicked again. When he sees that you are neither an ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO nor FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit, he will ask you to excuse his behavior.

5. If you are certain that shipping went perfectly, you can just open the box and hope he doesn't reach out and try to kill you for waking him up incorrectly.

**Reprogramming**

After successfully getting your ARTHUR KIRKLAND out of his box, you can decide to reprogram him to any of the following modes.

_Grumpy (default)_

_Bossy (default)_

_Drunk/Emo_

_Loving_

_Terrified_

_Horny (locked)_

The ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit comes in his _Grumpy _mode, and _Bossy _comes as an addition to his normal stoic personality. If he starts cackling randomly, don't worry - that will appear in various modes and shows that he is planning revenge on some other poor, unsuspecting unit. This revenge will most likely work, but he never laughs in the present of his target; therefore, if you hear it, you can ignore him.

The _Drunk/Emo_ mode is extremely simple, really; ARTHUR KIRKLAND has a high alcohol tolerance, and he loves to drink, but will become depressed after a few rounds. He is actually pretty sober when he starts crying about ALFRED F. JONES abandoning him, or his family hating him; it's rare for him to get truly drunk, which is another mode.

The_ Loving_ mode can be utilized by telling ARTHUR KIRKLAND that you too can see fairies, or that you like British food. He becomes very happy, trusting, and lovable.

The _Terrified_ mode is a very fun one to unlock, presuming you like gay guys and hardcore BDSM. Before attempting to unlock this, we recommend setting up cameras all over your house. To get this mode, set an ALFRED F. JONES, FRANCIS BONNEFOIS, or ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO unit into their respective _Postal_, _Rape-Maniac_, or _Psychotic Break_ modes; for easier access, put ARTHUR KIRKLAND into _Loving_, but for more delicious footage, leave him in _Grumpy _mode. After this, just lock your unit and any of the listed above in your house for a few days. When you come back, ARTHUR KIRKLAND will be trembling and promising to do anything for whichever unit you had him with. To get him out of this, leave him with a normal KIKU HONDA unit for two to three weeks, or get him a private rape therapist.

The locked mode, _Horny_, can be unlocked by actually getting your ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit drunk. He will be smiling lasciviously at anyone he sees, walking with a disturbing sway of his hips, and clinging onto any nearby unit(s). He is notorious for running off with all three Bad Touch units, and not returning for days.

**Relationships with Other Units: **

ALFRED F. JONES: These two have a long history of love and hate, and their "special relationship" can be seen in several different manners. ARTHUR KIRKLAND is quick to deny that he has any fond feelings for ALFRED F. JONES, but honestly these two are the most likely pairing you can get with our offered units, as well as the romance most likely to succeed. Please note that if your ARTHUR KIRKLAND is in a relationship with another unit, ALFRED F. JONES might pine for his attention.

FRANCIS BONNEFOIS: Your ARTHUR KIRKLAND has a very, very strange relationship with this unit - not only will FRANCIS BONNEFOIS contradict anything your unit says, but if these two hook up, they will have a very loving relationship that just happens to be open to others. If you see your ARTHUR KIRKLAND or his beloved FRANCIS BONNEFOIS sleeping around, don't comment, because their respective rotating doors of bedmates is how their romance will advance. Their pre-romance relationship is often perceived as one resulting from too much sexual tension, and you can find this out for yourself.

KIKU HONDA: ARTHUR KIRKLAND and KIKU HONDA get along great, actually, when you take into mind the fact that England and Japan don't have a very happy relationship, what with World War II and all. ARTHUR KIRKLAND likes to visit KIKU HONDA, and KIKU HONDA likes to visit ARTHUR KIRKLAND... and you may take that sentence any way you'd like.

ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO: If you've noticed how your unit generally acts toward others, you'll know that ARTHUR KIRKLAND hates ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO just as much as he hates everyone else. ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO, however, is an extremely patient, extremely loving unit who just so happens to be insane; ARTHUR KIRKLAND likes crazy guys, and with that said it's possible that these two units will get together.

PETER KIRKLAND: Your unit is the blood-related family member of PETER KIRKLAND, though PETER KIRKLAND hates ARTHUR KIRKLAND for many reasons. There is no real romance to be had here, but you can try for pedophilia; we have no guarantees as to how it will turn out.

**Cleaning**

Your ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit is perfectly capable of cleaning himself, and doesn't like bathing with others. This is partly due to his various tattoos (especially the electric guitar on his hip), his several piercings, and his scars.

**Feeding**

ARTHUR KIRKLAND can indeed cook his own food, but we doubt that you would enjoy steak and kidney pie or Yorkshire pudding as much as he does. It is likely that you will be unable to stomach the food, unless you're used to Anglo cuisine, and don't let him into the kitchen. He makes a mean curry, though, which is perfectly safe to eat seeing that it's much blander than Indian curries.

**Rest**

This unit has a normal routine, and tends to be in bed before 11 every night. He is very much like an old man in this manner, but he differs from them in the fact that he will, guaranteed, get up and kill you if you wake him up before 7AM.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: My ARTHUR KIRKLAND is emotionally blackmailing me into eating his food! What do I do? I _like _being alive!

A: Well, we warned you about keeping him out of the kitchen... but you can stop this by simply sacrificing an ALFRED F. JONES unit to your ARTHUR KIRKLAND. We are not responsible for any ailments that befall the ALFRED F. JONES unit you use.

Q: My unit ran out of chalk and now he's sulking and refusing to do anything!

A: Since the chalk we sent had magical properties, you'll have to either order more from us or ask a nearby ERIK ANDERSON if you could borrow some of his chalk.

Q: My unit broke his guitar and went on a rampage!

A: Get him tipsy, just enough to get him into _Drunk/Emo _mode; afterwards, when he is completely sober again, he will apologize for his earlier behavior.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: After your unit didn't respond to any of the ways we provided to wake him, you opened the box and found, instead of a modern-looking man, one in a pirate suit who opened his eyes and jumped you violently as soon as you opened the box. Now he's threatening you and speaking in a pirate dialect.

Solution: Whoops! We've sent you a Pirate!England on accident! This unit is extremely violent, nearly constantly horny, and will drink you out of house and home - as well as kill your landlord when he comes to collect the rent you can no longer pay - unless you ship him right back. He will be loving towards ALFRED F. JONES, sadistic towards ANTONIO CARRIEDO and have a terrible superiority complex to everyone else, because, see, now he's at the height of his career and not a grouchy old man. Don't tell him we said that!

Problem: Your unit traded in his proper clothes for the leather pants he arrived with. He dyed his hair various colors, got even _more_ piercings, and attends parties every night. At home, he constantly sings Sex Pistols, Elton John, and Bruce Springsteen; he acts extremely rashly and violently, and sleeps with anything that has legs. More often than not, this "anything that has legs" includes LUDWIG KALTHERZIG, IVAN BRAGINSKI, and/or ALFRED F. JONES.

Solution: Congratulations! You've unlocked your unit's _Punk _mode. In this mode, ARTHUR KIRKLAND has reverted back to the 80s fever. Now, he's more or less a hipster. You can get him out of it by having him spend time with a normal FRANCIS BONNEFOIS, who will comment on how sexy your unit looks like this, and unknowingly revert ARTHUR KIRKLAND back to _Grumpy_.

**End Notes**

If you take correct care of your unit, ARTHUR KIRKLAND will be a worthy and loyal companion. Be warned before you do anything, as your actions might suddenly anger him, and we guarantee that if you read the manual, your time with ARTHUR KIRKLAND will be very enjoyable. Good luck!

* * *

**AN: Oh Iggy. Iggy Iggy Iggy. **

**I have no idea why I did that.**

**Mei-Ling out. Peace! :3**


	5. Chapter 5: China

**AN: Salivili hipput tupput täppyt äppyt tipput hilijalleen!**

* * *

**YAO WANG: User Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS! **You've just purchased a YAO WANG unit! To ensure that your future is not full of unfortunate run-ins with large woks, we have taken the time to write out this manual. Reading it carefully will ensure you keep custody over all your limbs, and it is highly advised.

**Technical Specifications**

Name: Yao Wang. Also responds to "China", "Zhonghua", "Aniki", "Oniisan", "Gege", "Panda-san", and "Miss".

Age: 21

Place of Manufacture: Beijing, China

Height: 5'4"

Weight: 110 lbs

Length: Big surprises come in small packages. Oh, yes they do.

**Your YAO WANG unit comes with the following:**

One (1) green military unit

Two (2) mandarin jackets and pant sets

One (1) large wok

One (1) bamboo carrying basket

One (1) Panda-aru unit

**Programming**

Your YAO WANG unit is equipped with the following traits:

Voice Actor/Singer: Ever thought that the main female in your favorite anime wasn't acted well? Ever decided that the new pop sensation can't sing worth anything? Well, your unit has a beautiful voice. You can get him a job at a recording studio, and he'll make millions off singing and voice acting. We guarantee it!

Babysitter: Years of raising younger siblings have made YAO WANG a great babysitter. Your annoying siblings or kids will love him!

Bait: He's so pretty, what psychopath _wouldn't _want to get him?

**Removal of your YAO WANG Unit from Packaging**

YAO WANG is actually a very happy and sweet person by nature, but if he is moved or woken up incorrectly he will turn violent. In order to ensure that you don't accidentally kill yourself or destroy your properties, we have provided a list of safe ways with which to awaken your unit.

1. Sing the Chinese national anthem as horribly off-tune and badly pronounced as you can. Your unit will wake up and shout about your terrible pronunciation, and while this will result in a few hours' worth of lessons on Mandarin; to avoid this, you can reprogram YAO WANG as soon as he breaks out of his box.

2. Play Japanese, Korean or Cantonese music near the box. To the first, he will call happily for KIKU HONDA; to the second, he will yell for YONG-SOO IM to shut up; for the third, he will bust out of the box and search for his youngest brother. After whichever response, he will turn to you and ask where whichever of his brothers are, and you can reprogram him.

3. Speak in Russian. Your unit will not respond, and you can take the lid off; he will jump you right away, so it is advised to duck as soon as you remove the lid.

**Reprogramming**

After successfully getting your YAO WANG out of the box, you will have the decision to reprogram him with any of the following mode choices.

_Sub (default)_

_Tolerant (default)_

_Protective_

_Angsty_

_Violent (locked)_

_Dom (locked)_

The YAO WANG unit comes, by default, in his _Sub _and _Tolerant _modes. The _Uke _mode ensures that YAO WANG be extremely rape-able and unable to top you no matter what; in this mode, he is also more likely to deny IVAN BRAGINSKI's advances, though he'll give in at the end.

The _Tolerant _mode is what got YAO WANG through raising so many siblings. This is also default, as said, and is the best mode to keep YAO WANG in if you hope to have him baby-sit.

The _Protective _mode is gained by placing a little child in his presence. Unlike half of the other units, YAO WANG is not a pedophile, and while he will at first try to not care for the kid, he'll eventually break down and be a perfect guardian for any child. It is not advised to have YAO WANG in this mode, if he's taking care of children, as he will be very reluctant to give them back.

YAO WANG's _Angsty _mode does just what it says on the tin: he will mope quietly about his lost family members and friends, and will be up for a few good rounds of pity-sex with IVAN BRAGINSKI.

The _Violent _mode is locked, and for good reason. In this mode, YAO WANG will be likely to forget his alliances and do whatever he can to protect something he feels is at danger - mainly, his siblings. He will not give up no matter what you do in this mode, and is prone to psychotic lapses. If you decide you want a crazy YAO WANG, you need only talk to him about the Opium War, and then sic him on an ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit.

The _Dom _mode is extremely hard to unlock, as YAO WANG is a sub at heart. For this, you have to remind him about the fact that he is significantly older than any other country, and that he is strong enough to top. Nine out of ten times, this doesn't work, but kudos if you manage to make it happen!

**Relationships with Other Units:**

IVAN BRAGINSKI: This unit and YAO WANG have a rather long history, dating back to when they were both under Mongolian rule. Much to YAO WANG's displeasure, IVAN BRAGINSKI has a disturbing obsession with him, and will stop at nothing to get a YAO WANG in his bed. Your unit tends to go into denial randomly, and shoot off at you; most of the time, this is due to his having run in with an IVAN BRAGINSKI unit who was much more set on sleeping with him than he'd like. This pairing is known to blossom off of hate-sex and so be rough; hence, we suggest setting up cameras before allowing them to be alone together.

KIKU HONDA: YAO WANG quite likes this unit, and tends to stalk him randomly. KIKU HONDA will usually politely receive him and spend time, and something more might happen.

ALFRED F. JONES: YAO WANG hates him, as ALFRED F. JONES owes him more money than he can pay back. Of course, there's a possibility for a sort of relationship here, and we guarantee that no matter how hard YAO WANG tries, he'll never top.

ARTHUR KIRKLAND: After centuries of drug-dealing and territory-stealing, it's safe to say that your unit hates ARTHUR KIRKLAND. Time eased their relationship, and YAO WANG will not try to murder ARTHUR KIRKLAND the way he might try to snuff ALFRED F. JONES, but not enough time's passed that your unit will help if ARTHUR KIRKLAND is in a bind. There's a possibility for hate-sex here.

**Cleaning**

Your YAO WANG unit is perfectly capable of cleaning himself, but we suggest buying a blow dryer if you do not have one. We suggest purchasing several shades of nail lacquer, or creating a steady supply of cash with which YAO WANG can get his nails done.

**Feeding**

YAO WANG enjoys Chinese cuisine, although he will eat pretty much anything. He is one of few units with an acquired taste for British food.

**Rest**

Your unit is not a night person, and will generally both sleep and wake hours before you - unless you go to sleep at 9PM and wake at 4AM. (Blame it on the jetlag?)

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: My YAO WANG unit is PMSing because an IVAN BRAGINSKI unit showed up at the door in a Hello Kitty outfit!

A: The best thing is to just take your unit out to a Morning Glory, Sanrio, or other such store where Hello Kitty merchandise is sold, or activate the Panda-aru unit we sent along with your YAO WANG.

Q: A YONG-SOO IM unit is refusing to leave my YAO WANG unit alone!

A: Let nature run its course, for there is nothing we can do once a YONG-SOO IM unit has decided to rape a YAO WANG. We, the creators of this manual, are not responsible for any damage dealt to your property or unit, or that of any other person.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: Instead of opening your box to find a teenage-looking unit, you found a small boy with short black hair and long silk robes. He is rude and snobby and refuses to eat anything other than Chinese cuisine, and he flies into a rage whenever reminded of Mongolia.

Solution: Oopsie, we've sent you a little!China on accident! If you decide that you would like to exchange him for a normal unit, you can call Customer Services and we'll send you a new one right away.

Problem: Your unit does nothing but sit in the corner and tends to twitch randomly. He also constantly states that the room is spinning, and wonders why everything looks so bright. He can't stand up properly without falling over, though he'll burst out laughing and pull himself up before stumbling wherever he needs to go. YAO WANG also asks you to obtain illegal drugs for him.

Solution: Not-so-congratulatory, you've unlocked the _Opium War _mode! In this mode, YAO WANG will be disturbingly hospitable to ARTHUR KIRKLAND and ALFRED F. JONES, though as soon as they leave he will curse at them loudly and snap at anyone nearby. If you don't get your unit the opium he thinks he's addicted to (he's not really addicted, our units cannot be afflicted by such ailments) he will fly into a rage and break down sobbing. Calling a KIKU HONDA or IVAN BRAGINSKI unit over, and leaving them in a room together, will pull your YAO WANG out of this mode.

**End Notes**

With the proper care and respect, YAO WANG will prove a wonderful life companion and friend. As your unit has an extremely high tolerance, it is hard to annoy him to the point that he leaves you; if that does happen, he will soon feel bad enough that he'll return, and you can patch up your relationship. We wish you good luck and a happy life with your unit!

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**AN:**

**Ratsatsaa ja ripidabi dilla beritstan dillan dellan doo. A baribbattaa baribbariiba ribiribi distan dellan doo~**

**Mei-Ling out. Rauha! :3**


	6. Chapter 6: Italy

**AN: I'm so terribly sorry I've fallen off the face of the Earth for a while. To hold you guys over until I can get HetaUnit 11 out, here's North Italy's manual.**

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**FELICIANO VARGAS: User Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS! **You have just purchased your very own FELICIANO VARGAS unit! In order to allow you full access to all of your unit's wonderful traits, we have provided this manual. Reading it is highly advised to avoid any undesirable situations involving a furious older brother unit.

**Technical Specifications: **

Name: Feliciano Vargas. Will respond to "Italy", "Italia", "Venice", "Milan", "Florence", "Veneziano", "Feli", and "Pasta freak".

Age: 20

Place of Manufacture: Venice, Italy

Height: 5'8"

Weight: N/A (it tends to fluctuate with his intake of pasta)

Length: Well, he sure won't be raising a white flag in _this _department, if you catch our drift...

**Your FELICIANO VARGAS unit comes with the following: **

Two (2) blue military outfits

One (1) sailor outfit

One (1) Pasta-Preparing Kit

Three (3) white flags

**Programming**

Your FELICIANO VARGAS comes with the following traits:

Stripper: Your unit has to shame in showing his body off, and - as he is just so beautiful - he will rake in cash, guaranteed!

Distraction: In need of something to distract the loan sharks after you? Just kick your FELICIANO VARGAS unit outside, and watch the magic happen as those collectors vanish!

Baby Sitter: Kids seem to love FELICIANO VARGAS, and will trust him quite completely despite his hyperactivity. While he does not seem too responsible, he does have a love of children that makes him perfect material to take care of them. Your only worry is if your kids will turn out like him!

**Removal of your FELICIANO VARGAS Unit from Packaging**

Your unit is a wonderfully amiable one, and it is quite hard to wake him in a way that will make him hate you. To avoid streams of tears soaking into your carpet, however, we have enclosed the following list of fail-safe ways to turn on your unit.

1. Cook a plate of pasta and set it next to the box. If you are worried that you will burn the pasta, simply drag your box into the kitchen and start boiling water. Your unit will start trying to punch his way out, but have no fear - he will stop within the second and start crying that the box is very hard. It is safe to undo the top; he will jump into your arms if you are male, and hug you tightly if you are female, in thanks for saving him from "the scary box"; when he lets go, you can reprogram him if desired.

2. Bring in either a LUDWIG KALTHERZIG, LOVINO VARGAS, or AUGUSTUS VARGAS unit, and have them call your FELICIANO VARGAS unit's name loud enough to hear across the street. Though he will have a positive reaction to the last choice, your unit will shake in fear at the last two - but he's cute when he's scared, so that's okay. When he calms down, you can reprogram him.

3. Open the box and tug his curl. He will jerk up and start shaking, at which time you can reprogram him. Be warned, nearby LOVINO VARGAS units might come barging in and threatening to kill you for violating their brother.

**Reprogramming**

After the successful removal of your FELICIANO VARGAS from his box, you have the option to reprogram him to a different personality, any of those listed below.

_Adorable (default)_

_Flustered_

_Melancholic_

_Horny_

_Flipped_

_Sadistic (locked)_

The FELICIANO VARGAS unit comes in his default _Adorable _mode. This mode entails everything that makes your FELICIANO VARGAS unit a FELICIANO VARGAS unit - meaning that in _Adorable _mode, he will be unable to read the atmosphere, idiotic, oblivious, and overall, just the kind of thing you want to take home and cuddle forever. FELICIANO VARGAS makes strange "vee" sounds in this mode; don't be alarmed, it is just his normal state. No matter what you reprogram him to, however, he will still retain traces of _Adorable _- such as saying, "Vee!" when he's depressed.

The _Flustered _mode, which can be unlocked by simply presenting him with a great deal of information in a very short time or showing him an injured LOVINO VARGAS unit, is basically FELICIANO VARGAS trying to retain a grasp on the world. He will have an expression of utter bamboozlement during the time spent in this mode, and will talk to himself in confused, quick Italian often. This is the perfect time to use dirty moves on him; he will be a bit too preoccupied trying to discern for himself the dichotomy of good and evil to resist.

To unlock _Melancholic_, you must only remind him of his civil wars. FELICIANO VARGAS in _Melancholic _means that he will brood for hours on end about an assortment of heart-wrenching topics. It is not advised to disturb him in this mode unless you have pasta, as he will start wailing his life story to you through a torrent of tears if you attempt to get him to bathe or whatnot.

_Horny _mode is a little frightening to be around. He will attempt to jump anything with legs, and, in some cases, things without. Do not be alarmed if you walk in on him dry-humping a wall, or actually humping another unit's leg; it is also common for him to run around pantless while in this mode. It is unlocked by letting a FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit speak to him in private, and can only be turned off by having an IVAN BRAGINSKI unit threaten him to stop giving his TORIS LORINAITIS/YAO WANG/GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT/etc unit lewd looks.

His _Flipped _mode is tricky to unlock, as you need a LOVINO VARGAS unit to program it. Once you've got the needed other unit, simply lock them in a room together for a week. One outcome of that is gaining the Flipped modes on them: your FELICIANO VARGAS will talk and act like a LOVINO VARGAS, and vice versa. If the _Flipped _mode is not unlocked through them being shut up in a room together, then you will most likely end up with either a _Flustered _FELICIANO VARGAS and a _Suicidal _LOVINO VARGAS, or a romantic relationship between the two.

FELICIANO VARGAS's only locked mode is his _Sadistic_ one. It is extremely difficult to gain: one needs a very shocking event to gain it, such as FELICIANO VARGAS seeing the mutilated corpse of LUDWIG KALTHERZIG or learning that LOVINO VARGAS has been raped. In _Sadistic_, your FELICIANO VARGAS unit will stop at nothing to gain revenge on whoever hurt his friends or family, and will rarely realize what he is doing until his anger is quenched and he drops into _Melancholic_. This mode is not advised, as FELICIANO VARGAS will not be above using you, his owner, as bait or a guinea pig for a torture device. To get him out of it early, you will have to rewire his entire hard drive, which you can call Customer Support for help on.

**Relationships with Other Units: **

LUDWIG KALTHERZIG: Your FELICIANO VARGAS simply adores LUDWIG KALTHERZIG, and will do practically anything for him.

LOVINO VARGAS: As these two units are twins, they are very close - close enough that one can feel when his twin is being hurt. A FELICIANO VARGAS will be quite harmless if he comes upon you violating your LOVINO VARGAS, but heaven help the one who is caught pulling FELICIANO VARGAS's curl by his twin. These two are also perfect for a relationship.

KIKU HONDA: As, along with the LUDWIG KALTHERZIG unit, FELICIANO VARGAS and KIKU HONDA form the Axis Alliance, these two units have a good and slightly strained relationship. We, the creators of this manual, are not responsible for any system corruption brought onto a KIKU HONDA unit because of your FELICIANO VARGAS.

FRANCIS BONNEFOIS: FELICIANO VARGAS views FRANCIS BONNEFOIS as a big brother of sorts, mostly due to assistance during the wars for Italian unification, and quite likes him. Maybe that's because he doesn't realize that what is happening to him is molestation, not hugging.

ALFRED F. JONES: LOVINO VARGAS and your unit both assisted ALFRED F. JONES during early 20th century prohibition; as such, your unit likes ALFRED F. JONES well enough for there to be a relationship, if that's what you're asking.

RODERICH EDELSTEIN: Just as he sees FRANCIS BONNEFOIS as a sort of brother, FELICIANO VARGAS thinks relatively kindly of RODERICH EDELSTEIN as a father-figure. He will not feel romantically inclined to a RODERICH EDELSTEIN unit no matter what you do, and the same applies for a RODERICH EDELSTEIN unit to a FELICIANO VARGAS.

**Cleaning**

While we are sure that the FELICIANO VARGAS unit _can _take care of himself, he rarely does. You will have to install a schedule for him and, if you want him to wash his hair, you'll have to do that too.

**Feeding**

FELICIANO VARGAS' food of choice is some type of pasta, of course. Pizza is second, but he will really eat anything you give him.

**Rest**

Your unit will pass out randomly, and tends to sleep naked. Do not be alarmed if you wake up to find him either in bed with you or gone; he likes sleeping with other people. If not at your home, he is most likely with a LUDWIG KALTHERZIG or LOVINO VARGAS unit.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: My FELICIANO VARGAS unit is crying and won't shut the hell up!

A: Well, this is a problem we warned you about when you purchased him. Making him pasta will usually ease the tears; if it doesn't, give him a tight hug and tell him that everything's okay.

Q: My unit is ripping my bed sheets apart to make white flags! Those are expensive bed sheets, too...

A: Feed him pasta to calm him down, then take him on a cloth-shopping trip and let him buy what he wants - because, when he's done with your white sheets, he'll move on to your curtains, and probably to your underwear when all else fails.

Generally, a good helping of pasta can fix your problem. If that doesn't work, feel free to contact Customer Support.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: Your FELICIANO VARGAS unit is tiny and wearing a dress, and has a disturbingly high voice.

Solution: Oh, bother, we've mixed up the order and sent you a CHIBITALIA unit. He'll be happy to do your laundry, cooking, and generally any sort of chore you want him to do. He might ask for a Holy Roman Empire, or a LUDWIG KALTHERZIG unit constantly and spend more time with the RODERICH EDELSTEIN and LOVINO VARGAS units, as well as adore ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO more; these are natural, as he is his childhood self and is remembering the wonderful childhood he had.

**End Notes**

With enough care and pasta, FELICIANO VARGAS will prove to be the most adorable, tender and loyal companion you'll ever have, albeit a bit cowardly. As there is a lifetime warranty, he will love you forever! Good luck with your unit!

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**AN: This belongs to 0ptimuspenguin, by the way. **

**Mei-Ling out. Peace! :3**


	7. Chapter 7: Switzerland

**AN: This manual belongs to 0ptimuspenguin. Enjoy.**

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**VASH ZWINGLI: User Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS!** You have just purchased your every own VASH ZWINGLI unit! To ensure that you drain every last drop of wonderful from your unit, we have provided this user manual; reading it would be advised if you don't want to die.

Name: Vash Zwingli. Will respond to "Switzerland", "Schweiz", "Trigger-happy", "Gun freak", "Chocolate whore", and "Blondie" - though a bit annoyed at the last three.

Age: 18

Place of Manufacture: Zurich, Switzerland

Height: 5'6"

Weight: N/A

Length: You'd be surprised.

**Your VASH ZWINGLI unit comes with the following accessories:**

One (1) green military uniform

One (1) white beret

One (1) set of pink pajamas

One (1) SG550 assault rifle (no bullets included for safety reasons)

One (1) SIG P210 handgun (no bullets included for safety reasons)

**Programming**

Your VASH ZWINGLI is equipped with the following traits:

Security/Bodyguard: Heading into the shadier part of town to close a rather lucrative deal? Got the mob after you? Your unit has deadly accuracy and skill with basically every kind of weapon, and just one VASH ZWINGLI unit will be more than enough to stop a large group trying to get at you!

Accountant/Banker: VASH ZWINGLI is great with numbers, and - if you get him hired at a nearby bank - will prove more than able to secure a stream of cash flowing straight to you.

Babysitter: Raising his little sister has taught VASH ZWINGLI several important skills - among them, the ability to take care of other kids and provide them with a safe learning environment. As long as your kids don't annoy him too much, he'll be the best babysitter they've ever had!

Stripper: If you can manage to convince your unit of the money he would make with this profession, you'll not be disappointed by how good he is at this!

**Removal of your VASH ZWINGLI Unit from Packaging**

VASH ZWINGLI is one of the more temperamental units. Waking him wrong can be fatal; for your safety, we have provided a list of ways to get your unit up and about. Warning: These listed are the only ways guaranteed fail-safe and completely harmless. Any other ways could result in high hospital or home restoration bills, which we will not pay.

1. Call a LILY ZWINGLI unit and have her call for her brother. He will wake peacefully and will not oppose you trying to reprogram him.

2. Play a recording of RODERICH EDELSTEIN's piano playing, or have a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT laugh his character laugh. VASH ZWINGLI will get up angrily, but will calm down as soon as he sees that there is no RODERICH EDELSTEIN unit in the room; in the case of a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT, VASH ZWINGLI will rage, so you'll want to shoo the GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit away before your VASH ZWINGLI escapes his box.

3. Shoot something. Your unit will break out of the box and storm over, bent on teaching you the proper way to shoot. When he's done, you can reprogram him.

4. If you are very, very careful, you can open the box and reprogram him directly. Do not poke him.

**Reprogramming**

After you successfully get your VASH ZWINGLI unit out of his box, you can reprogram him to any of the following settings:

_Irritated (default)_

_Stingy (default)_

_Violent_

_Happy_

_Slutty (locked)_

VASH ZWINGLI comes in default _Irritated _and _Stingy_. In these two modes, he will be easily annoyed and slow to make purchases, as well as extremely reluctant to share anything unless with a LILY ZWINGLI unit. He is not too trigger-happy in either of these modes - mainly because they work together, and so his stinginess makes him unhappy about using bullets – but he might scream at you randomly to buy him some food.

The _Violent _mode is unlocked by telling VASH ZWINGLI that a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit has been socializing with a LILY ZWINGLI. VASH ZWINGLI will storm off and beat up the responsible GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT; in the case that you just wanted him in _Violent _mode, he'll rage about your home instead and probably destroy some furniture before he realizes how much money he's wasting, and stops.

The _Happy _mode can be obtained by having him talk to an _Adorable (default mode) _LILY ZWINGLI unit, or by giving him a new gun. He will be eager to please and more likely to share what he has with you; getting him out of this mode can be done by introducing him to a RODERICH EDELSTEIN unit.

VASH ZWINGLI's last mode, _Slutty_, is locked for good reason. In this mode, he will act very different from his normal manner - here, meaning that he'll sashay around, smirk more, wink, and over-exaggerate such acts as bending over or licking something off a spoon. You can get him into it by getting him drunk with a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT, LUDWIG KALTHERZIG, or occasionally an IVAN BRAGINSKI unit.

**Relationships with Other Units**

LILY ZWINGLI: VASH ZWINGLI sees this unit as his little sister, and adores her. He will do anything to protect her, and this can be used for emotional blackmail; a relationship between the two can be established if you lock him in a room with a LILY ZWINGLI unit on _Dark _or _Promiscuous _mode for a few hours.

RODERICH EDELSTEIN: Your unit used to like him, but unfortunately he doesn't anymore. RODERICH EDELSTEIN is a romance option that can be obtained by leaving them alone together for long periods of time, or getting them drunk.

GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT: They also dislike each other, but are another possible romance. GILBERT BEILLSCHMIDT is naturally out to find a significant other (though he'll deny it) and while VASH ZWINGLI will reject his advances at first, they can end up together with enough hard work!

LUDWIG KALTHERZIG: Despite animosity from World War II, these units are actually quite fond of each other. LUDWIG KALTHERZIG is the only unit VASH ZWINGLI likes in LILY ZWINGLI's company; these two have a slight chance of romance usually urged by LILY ZWINGLI.

**Cleaning**

Your unit is perfectly capable of cleaning himself, and he will threaten to kill you if you attempt to help him.

**Feeding**

VASH ZWINGLI prefers various kinds of German and French foods, but will eat anything if hungry; he also loves cheese. He can cook for himself as well.

**Rest**

The VASH ZWINGLI unit is generally a late sleeper and late riser, though having a LILY ZWINGLI unit in the house will result in him sleeping earlier in an attempt to wake up before or with her. He sleeps whenever he wants to; going and badgering him to turn off his light won't do anything except cause damage to you and your home.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: My unit keeps harassing me to voice my opinions!

A: He is most likely acting on his irritation at you for not speaking your mind every minute of every day. VASH ZWINGLI will respect you very much for stating your beliefs instead of sitting by and letting others push an argument you disagree with; there's no harm in a good debate, after all.

Q: My unit lost a gun and started tearing my house apart to find it!

A: Buy him a new one, or shout at him to stop being so destructive. Slipping in a comment about the cost will make him sulk, but he'll not rampage after you tell him to stop.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: Your unit is throwing a fit for no reason, and trying to fashion weapons out of your mother's fine china.

Solution: VASH ZWINGLI has realized the lack of bullets in the house, and so has deemed his guns useless. This can be remedied by buying him a child's toy gun, or by calling Customer Services to buy the special edition SG550 or SIG P210 bullets. These bullets will bruise, but won't break skin.

Problem: You opened the box we sent you and found that, instead of an older teenage male, there was a kid of about ten or eleven lying in the box. Upon awakening, he grumbles and fights all the time, and asks where RODERICH EDELSTEIN is.

Solution: Oops! We sent you a little!Switzerland unit on accident! In this form, he is much more amiable but prone to fits, and might suddenly declare war on you at a single wrong move. If you don't want such a fickle unit near your loved ones or precious belongings, feel free to call Customer Services for an exchange.

**End Notes**

With the proper respect and care, your VASH ZWINGLI unit will turn out to be the most useful purchase you've ever made, as well as a loyal companion and caring older brother to any children you've got running around. We wish you a fun time with your unit. Good luck!

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**AN: Sorry for taking so long to update this...I honestly have no excuse except laziness, given the fact that the manuals have already been written...**

**Mei-Ling out. Peace! :3**


End file.
